Help my Wife is Abusive with FFA & Pastor Kingsley Okonkwo

In this livestream Funke Felix-Adejumo and Kingsley Okonkwo discussed abuse from the perspective of the men. Not the men dishing out abuse, but those that happen to be on the receiving end. Some points that surfaced as to why it’s not as widely reported and championed included the shame of being in such a situation, the ridicule that will also ensue when it becomes known was another factor. Another reason was whether the man would be believed if he does have the courage to bring it up. These are some of the reasons why men prefer to quietly deal with the situation and not come outright to say they’re being abused by their wives.

FFA shared about a man that went to lodge a formal complaint with the police. The police men all laughed at him and derided him in pidgin for daring to come out publicly. Another man sent her a message with the following narration. “Please I’ve left Lagos and abandoned my marriage. Please help me say to everyone you can reach that a bad marriage can ruin one’s life. There’s no point patching it up. It reduces self-esteem, deprives one of the very essence of life. It deprives one of peace of mind. I’m so glad I left. It climaxed when she poured chili pepper mixed with water into my eyes over an argument. I was crawling on the floor and she was telling me that it was good for me and that next time that I won’t dare stress her again. I grabbed her wrapper to wipe my face, when she poured the stuff in my face but she snatched it away from me leaving me with pains and tears. She did all that in front of my children. It was a trauma. I’m so glad I left.”

Pastor Kingsley was very blunt and had this to say, “Definitely men also get abused and in all fairness we’ve all just focused more on women being abused. Maybe because women are perceived as the weaker vessel. They’re perceived as softer, milder, a bit more in need for protection so everybody has focused more on abuse when women are on the receiving end. The truth is that there are a lot of men dealing with abusive wives.”  Furthermore, he stated that it would be better if people began the work before getting married because any marriage counsellor knows that it’s not easy to leave. People clamor that victims should leave, but it’s never easy to, nor is it as easy at sounds!

Pastor Funke also raised the question of whether it was an effect of certain experiences some women have had.  She was of the opinion that no matter what that there’s no justification for abuse. FFA read the messages two women had sent stating why they had abused their husbands. The firs instance, my husband is a pastor, he slept with two of my friends and I decided to abuse him as a form of revenge. The second person shared the following, my husband has not slept with me more than three times in our twenty-four years of marriage. We have two children. I am abusing him because I’m in pain.

These are enlightening conversations that need to be had, especially since they are topics that the church has been largely silent on. In some instances where they were addressed the opinions aired did not bring a solution, but further division. Funke Felix-Adejumo has committed to pursue such topics and more in her series Navigate with FFA. 

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